CH 3B-THE STRUGGLES OF MY RESEARCH IN THE ARTS/MUSIC
04-05-2023
LAST EDITED: 04-13-2023
EDITOR'S NOTE: IN THIS CHAPTER, I AM BREAKING MY STORY INTO TWO PARTS, AS THIS CHAPTER WILL BE THE MOST VULNERABLE/EMOTIONAL WRITING I HAVE POSTED ON THIS WEBSITE. I WRITE THIS INFORMATION AS YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THE READING LENGTHS FOR CHAPTERS 3A & 3B WILL BE LONGER THAN MY USUAL POST. IF YOU NEED TO READ CHAPTER 3A, OR YOU NEED A REFRESHER ON WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT STORY, HERE IS THE LINK FOR THAT CHAPTER (CHAPTER 3A-TAKING A BREAK (REVISED) (davidevbayekha.wixsite.com)). I SHOULD ALSO TELL YOU THAT THIS TWO-PART CHAPTER WILL HAVE SENSITIVE DETAILS THAT COULD TRIGGER YOUR "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" RESPONSE.
THANK YOUR TIME, AND ENJOY "CHAPTER 3B-THE STRUGGLES OF MY RESEARCH IN THE ARTS/MUSIC."
-DAVID
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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION THAT I WILL TALK ABOUT HERE WILL BE FROM MY POINT OF VIEW. TO AVOID THE POSSIBILITY OF DEFAMATION OR ANY LEGAL LAWSUIT, FOR THAT MATTER, I WILL NOT BE REVEALING THE NAMES OF THE PEOPLE WHOM I CONSIDER PROBLEMATIC IN THIS ARTICLE. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY FORMS OF BULLYING AND HARASSMENT IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM FOR THE PEOPLE I MENTION ON HERE. FURTHERMORE, THIS POST WILL CONTAIN CONTENT DISCUSSING ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS THAT COULD TRIGGER SOME READERS. IF YOU FEEL THAT MIGHT BE THE CASE FOR YOU, I RECOMMEND NOT READING THIS POST. INSTEAD, YOU CAN READ THE PREVIOUS POSTS I PUT ON THIS WEBSITE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING, AND ENJOY YOUR READING.
-DAVID
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HOW I CAME BACK TO MY MESSY RESEARCH
When you return from your research break, you want to ensure you know what to change before trying again with your design. Coming back from your break is more complicated than the break itself. You need to identify the flaws in the original study that made the experiment problematic to the point that you could not save it from worsening. After that, you must know the best ways to approach those flaws. Fortunately, I learned how to resolve my messy research in the appropriate forms. As mentioned in the previous chapter, leaving the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire (UWEC) choral department was my sloppy research. To clear any confusion, I refer to the terms "sloppy research" and "messy research" as my discovery and recognition of how I understood my emotions that led to my decision to take a hiatus from the UWEC choral department. Though abstract, showing my artistic persona connects with my audience on why I based my primary study on Americans' attitudes toward longstanding concerns regarding tense racial relations/systemic racism and the United States' involvement in the international conflict by evaluating reactions to and impacts of protest music on participants' attitudes toward these social issues. When it comes to research, you need to be passionate about the work that you are doing. This statement is not complex to understand. However, as researchers, we will forget that concept when we go through mental exhaustion, frustration, and avolition.
Unfortunately, I lost my passion for choral singing when I first dealt with my messy research. Considering I never felt traumatized in my K-12 choral ensembles, I did not know how to continue with messy research without taking a necessary break to help improve my mental state. I have not joined any official UWEC choral ensembles for over a year. During this time, I have gone to therapy and gotten prescribed medication to help with my social anxiety disorder and clinical depression after having poor emotional well-being and suicidal thoughts.
Additionally, while I was not in any UWEC choral ensembles, I attended several of their choir concerts. One of the factors that I needed to come to terms with was that I craved to repair the fractured relationships with my friends who were still a part of the UWEC choral program. Initially, I had a false sense of anger and resentment toward most people in the department. Fortunately, my therapist showed me that the anger and resentment were a way for me to hide my emotional pain from leaving the UWEC choral department.
With this information, I made it a goal of mine to go to several UWEC choir concerts to show that my love for my UWEC choral friends outweighed my resentment for my previous college choral director. To my surprise, another UWEC choral director approached me at the Holiday concert and told me that they wanted me back in the choral program. As stunned as I was by the college choral director's statement, I did not want to decide right away because I wanted to be in the right mind regarding those personal choices. Fortunately, the college choral director understood I needed time to think about my decision, so we agreed to schedule a meeting after the Holiday concert. When we did our session, I expected the college choral director to use various techniques to convince me to do choir again at UWEC. However, that was not the case. Instead, they wanted to check on my emotional well-being and ask for my opinion on how the UWEC choral department could improve on creating a supportive environment for their students. That conversation started to get me thinking of giving choir at UWEC another shot, especially considering the college choral director knew why I left the department the first time. Regrettably, some conflicts arose with that college choral director a few months after our in-depth conversation. The main thing was that I did not get clear communication from them regarding where they felt they valued me the most in the UWEC choral department. However, I had a good reason for rejoining the program.
PICTURE OF THE TENOR-BASS ENSEMBLE: EARTH SET OF THE 2023 CABARET PRODUCTIONS: FORCES OF NATURE Photo by David Evbayekha.
I decided to rejoin the UWEC choral program due to the kindness and positivity of the cast and crew of Cabaret Productions: Forces of Nature. In the previous article, I addressed that I decided to isolate myself from everyone involved in the 2022 Cabaret Productions to protect myself from having an emotional meltdown in a public setting. What I did not expect was members of the tenor-bass ensemble from that show welcoming me into the Cabaret family. They were checking in to see how I was doing with the coordination involved with the show and if I was enjoying my first experience there. They also took the time to tell me the benefits of being a part of Cabaret. That was a significant moment for me as some of the tenor-bass members were also members of the UWEC choral program. People from the outside world will consider those actions as simple gestures. However, that simple act of kindness helped me see that only some in the UWEC choral department are as problematic as my previous college choral director, which caused my departure from the program. When we finished the 2022 Cabaret run, I felt this tingling, magical sensation that I did not think of during my time at UWEC. Since this is a research-based website, I will use an analogy that some, if not all, of you can relate to from experience. The feeling I had after the 2022 Cabaret Productions is like the sensation you feel when an experiment or study contains a lot of exhaustion or negativity when you are doing chucks of the design, but you feel elated after seeing that all that time and effort you put into that project significantly pays off.
PICTURE OF THE TENOR-BASS ENSEMBLE: TIME SET OF THE 2023 CABARET PRODUCTIONS: FORCES OF NATURE Photo by David Evbayekha.
When the 2022-2023 school year rolled around, I knew I wanted to continue that magical feeling that I felt in the 2022 Cabaret Productions. It was an easy decision that I wanted to do Cabaret again after the genuine gestures from the tenor-bass members, which prevented me from not doing Cabaret again. Furthermore, I knew for the 2023 Cabaret Productions I wanted to be in the Tenor-Bass ensemble as the tenor-bass members from the 2022 Cabaret Productions were some of the first people with genuine care for me since departing from the UWEC Choral department. After I made the tenor-bass ensemble, my emotional attitude started to down-spiral as I started having "imposter syndrome" effects. In many rehearsals, I felt I did not deserve to be in that space. My fellow tenor-bass members are not to blame for those emotions, as I knew those feelings stemmed from the harmful actions that led to me leaving the UWEC Choral department. Whenever I messed up on the notes or the choreography in Cabaret rehearsals, I always thought everyone was secretly judging me.
Additionally, I was the weakest link in the tenor-bass ensemble as my insecurities kept increasing. Those feelings led to me having emotional meltdowns during rehearsals. Luckily, I got a different outcome from when I had my messy research. One of the changes I made in the 2023 Cabaret Productions is allowing myself to be more vulnerable to my ensemble members. I was taken aback to see my group's authentic support, especially considering that the tenor-bass ensemble consists of individuals who identify as men. That support helped my confidence as I felt I could be myself. When relating to general research, you want to think that you can be the best version of yourself as you bring qualities and skills essential to your design.
Furthermore, when you show your real version of yourself, you start making necessary connections vital to your developmental research skills. That is a lesson that I learned from 2023 Cabaret Productions. Because I allowed myself to be authentic, I made new friendships with various ensemble members, actors, tech, and orchestra. Also, I allowed myself to be more involved in Cabaret Productions than the 2022 Cabaret Productions. In the 2023 Cabaret Productions, I also participated as an extra actor, where I got to be different motor parts for various machinery objects.
PICTURE OF THE HUMAN MACHINE OF THE 2023 CABARET PRODUCTIONS: FORCES OF NATURE Photo by David Evbayekha.
WHAT I GAINED AFTER FINISHING MY MESSY RESEARCH
Some more skills I gained from the 2023 Cabaret Productions were learning how to do things outside my comfort zone and letting my experience in theatrical and musical productions speak for itself. Those assets are also vital factors you need when researching. Sometimes, your advisor or fellow collaborators will have you do something you need to become more familiar with. Suppose the task is something you are comfortable or not comfortable doing. That is the perfect opportunity to ask your advisor or fellow collaborators essential questions about how to do the assignment they assigned correctly. As for letting the experience speak for your work, you can show that skill in numerous ways. For instance, in the 2023 Cabaret Productions, most cast members have never done Cabaret Productions at UWEC. Considering that I was a returning member of the 2023 Cabaret Productions, I wanted to ensure I provided some support or advice the new members found helpful during our rehearsals. You can apply that to group research studies, as your new member could be overwhelmed with how to go about the experiment you are analyzing. The one thing high-profile researchers will only sometimes tell newcomers is that research will have flaws. If errors occur, you will have opportunities to restart your research outside the academic setting. Anyone familiar with designing experiments will know that the study will go differently than planned. With that understanding, we must ensure we do not abuse our knowledge and skills when attending to newcomers.
Furthermore, it is elementary for seasoned researchers to be selfish and obnoxious when working in group settings. When we let our arrogance take over instead of our supportive professionalism, we create an environment newcomers will not want to return to if they feel devalued and disrespected. In short, your logistical skills can only take you far. To get the best experience in research, you need to understand how you work with others' matches or go above your logistical knowledge.