CHAPTER 3A-TAKING A BREAK (REVISED)
03-05-2023
LAST EDITED: 03-30-2023
EDITOR'S NOTE: I HAVE DECIDED TO REVISE "CHAPTER 3A-TAKING A BREAK." THE REASON FOR MY DECISION IS THAT WELL-TRAINED WRITING EXPERTS HAVE ALERTED ME THAT THERE IS A LACK OF FLOWERTY IN MY ORIGINAL VERSION OF "CHAPTER 3A-TAKING A BREAK." THAT IS ESSENTIAL FOR ME TO KNOW AS MY WEBSITE WILL FOCUS ON MY RESEARCH AND THE GENERAL RESEARCH METHODS. WHEN I DESCRIBE MY RESEARCH-ORIENTATED LIFE'S DETAILS, I NEED TO REMEMBER THE AUDIENCE I AM SPEAKING TO WHEN WRITING MY STORY. NOT EVERYONE WHO READS MY POST WILL HAVE A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF YEARS OF RESEARCH. EVEN IF THEY DO, I NEED TO GIVE A SIGNIFICANT DETAIL AMOUNT FOR MY THOUGHTS AND WORK ON WHAT I AM WRITING. FOR ANYONE READING, THAT ASPECT IS CRUCIAL IN RESEARCH, AS HAVING PEOPLE CONNECTING TO YOUR WORK COULD LEAD TO AN EXPANSION OF YOUR NETWORK OF CONNECTIONS AND RESOURCES FOR MORE OPPORTUNITIES IN RESEARCH. IN THIS CHAPTER, I AM BREAKING MY STORY INTO TWO PARTS AS THIS CHAPTER WILL BE THE MOST VULNERABLE/EMOTIONAL WRITING I HAVE POSTED ON THIS WEBSITE. I WRITE THIS INFORMATION AS YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THE READING LENGTHS FOR CHAPTERS 3A & 3B WILL BE LONGER THAN MY USUAL POST. I SHOULD ALSO TELL YOU THAT THIS TWO-PART CHAPTER WILL HAVE SENSITIVE DETAILS THAT COULD TRIGGER THEIR "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" RESPONSE.
THANK YOUR UNDERSTANDING, AND ENJOY THE REMODIFIED VERSION OF "CHAPTER 3A-TAKING A BREAK."
-DAVID
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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION THAT I WILL TALK ABOUT HERE WILL BE FROM MY POINT OF VIEW. TO AVOID THE POSSIBILITY OF DEFAMATION OR ANY LEGAL LAWSUIT, FOR THAT MATTER, I WILL NOT BE REVEALING THE NAMES OF THE PEOPLE WHOM I CONSIDER PROBLEMATIC IN THIS ARTICLE. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY FORMS OF BULLYING AND HARASSMENT IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM FOR THE PEOPLE I MENTION ON HERE. FURTHERMORE, THIS POST WILL CONTAIN CONTENT DISCUSSING ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS THAT COULD TRIGGER SOME READERS. IF YOU FEEL THAT MIGHT BE THE CASE FOR YOU, I RECOMMEND NOT READING THIS POST. INSTEAD, YOU CAN READ THE PREVIOUS POSTS I PUT ON THIS WEBSITE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING, AND ENJOY YOUR READING.
-DAVID
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THE MESSINESS OF RESEARCHING
When it comes to researching and designing, there is always the chance that the outcome will fail. To elaborate, we are not talking about the subject variables in the study itself. We are talking about the flaws in the design. Researchers can attempt to save their work to continue their studies. However, the research will be problematic when researchers cannot get accurate results. So, what do we do when we cannot save our work? We must take a break. Anyone with a research background will tell you the emotional toll taking a break will have on them, but only in undisclosed settings. Researchers will experience the pain of doing significant work that could be useful for their analysis. It is more heartbreaking when the topic of their experiment is something that gives them excitement and passion. Additionally, because we spend many hours on specific projects, our minds are programmed to assume that we must keep repeating our flawed studies. That ideology is problematic as we make the situation worse when we attempt to redo our experiment by wasting time and resources.
THE BEGINNING OF MY MESSY RESEARCH
My story of messy research will focus on something other than the physical design itself. Instead, I will talk about my area of interest from a symbolic point of view. For anyone aware of my current individual research, the topic for my study is the connection between psychology and music. Specifically, my excellent McNair advisor, Dr. Jeffrey Goodman, and I will analyze Americans' attitudes toward longstanding concerns regarding tense racial relations/systemic racism and the United States' involvement in the international conflict by evaluating reactions to and impacts of protest music on participants' attitudes toward these social issues. My McNair advisor and I got that far in our research since we had a specific topic we wanted to study. It was easy for both of us to focus on psychology for our research as my advisor is the head of the psychology department at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire (UWEC). In addition, I am currently studying at UWEC to get my undergraduate degrees in neuroscience (a sub-branch in psychology) and general psychology. For the musical element of our research, the topic is personal, as I always had music in my surroundings. Growing up, I did choir and snippets of an orchestra in elementary school, chorus in middle school, and multiple choral ensembles & theatre in high school. As I got older, I started to see how important it was to express myself through music and the arts. I used the performing arts as my therapy as the adults in my life did not teach me about the healthy resources I could use when I struggled with my mental health growing up. I realized how much I needed the performing arts when the COVID-19 pandemic shut down every public event on March 13, 2020.
THE CLIMAX OF MY MESSY RESEARCH
It took me some time to talk publicly about this emotional aspect of my life. I am talking about losing my passion for music and the arts. For you, the audience, to understand why losing my love for the performing arts was heartbreaking for me, I want to provide you with some necessary context. In the Fall of 2021, my previous college choral director at UWEC wanted my former choir members and me to discuss and reflect on how we felt about our first choir concert of the year. When it came to my turn to speak, I wanted to talk about what it was like to perform for a live audience since it was two years of performing for one at that point. Considering that Fall 2021 was my third semester in a collegiate ensemble, I wanted to talk about my overall experience in a collegiate ensemble and how I started to notice the chorus sounding like a uniformed choir. For context, I was in the same chorus ensemble for my three semesters at UWEC (Fall 2020, Spring 2021, and Fall 2021). In my first and second semesters of being in this ensemble, we did not get to perform for a live audience due to COVID-19.
Furthermore, the music and theatre department at UWEC had stricter COVID-19 guidelines than the other academic departments, as we would usually be in nearby spaces while using a significant amount of respiratory air around one another. For the Fall 2020 semester, everyone in the choir had to be 10 feet apart, wear mask coverings, and only be in specific spaces for 30 minutes. Additionally, we would also have to do rehearsals over ZOOM. We had the same guidelines for the Spring 2021 semester, minus the ZOOM rehearsals. With these restrictions, it was hard for my former ensemble members and me to bond with each other. Anyone with a vocal music background will tell you that getting the sounds and blends right in a choir is severely challenging when the environment does not feel nurturing and vibrant. In the Fall 2021 school semester, we were able to perform for a live audience.
We still had to follow COVID-19 guidelines as we still had limited time in the rehearsal spaces and wore COVID-19 masks in indoor faculties. It was a magical moment for me to perform as a UWEC choral member. Before starting college, my high school choral directors constantly told me that UWEC is one of the best music schools in the Midwest. After listening to the other UWEC choral ensembles, I understood why people give UWEC that title. What was even more magical for me was seeing how the first concert for my former UWEC choral ensemble the first time was I could hear the other sections start to sing harmoniously. Unfortunately, I could not express all those feelings and emotions in the class choral discussion due to my previous college choral director's bizarre and inappropriate actions. Midway through my conversation, my previous college choral director decided to make my experience all about themselves. They had an "over-the-top" reaction to my response as they thought I was saying they were why my first two semesters in the UWEC choral ensemble were horrible. For clarification, that was not the case at all. At the time, I never said that my previous college choral director was why my first two semesters in the UWEC choral ensemble were horrible. In fact, in the Spring 2021 semester, I did go to them for advice on what would be the best minor degree for me if I wanted to pursue the performing arts (for clarification: I decided to be a psychology minor in my first year of college as I was more connected and interested with the topics that were in that field). What made that moment worse was that most of the choral ensemble was siding with them by having unprofessional reactions to my experience. I remember one of my former UWEC choir members saying aloud, "You know that they can still grade you?" After everyone settled down with their emotions, I could complete my train of thought. However, my previous college choral director continued to make my experience with them after I finished my statement. They said a comment along the lines saying that "I have redeemed myself."
THE OUTCOME OF MY MESSY RESEARCH
After my previous college choral director made that comment, I felt humiliated and angry. Some of you will need clarification about why that moment hurt me. Allow me to provide additional context on why that experience was traumatic. As mentioned above, the COVID-19 pandemic shut down every public event on March 13, 2020. During this time, I was at the beginning of the final stages of my senior year in High School. When the pandemic shut down everything, I could not perform in my final spring concerts and my high school theatre department production of "Disney's: The Little Mermaid." The last musical event I performed during high school before the global shutdown of March 2020 was the Northwestern Suburban Conference (NWSC) festival in the Twin Cities in February 2020.
PICTURE OF THE CHAMPLIN PARK HIGH SCHOOL CONCERT CHOIR AT THE NWSC ALL-CONFERENCE CHOIR CONCERT. Photo by David Evbayekha.
PICTURE OF THE NWSC ALL-CONFERENCE CHOIR AT BETHEL UNIVERSITY (TWIN CITIES, MN). Photo by David Evbayekha.
I was filled with mixed negative emotions, knowing I would not have the "high school fairy tale ending" I always wanted. With the COVID-19 pandemic, not only did I not get the chance to perform in my final musical performances, but I also did not get to say goodbye to my high school choral and theatre directors, which inspired me to continue doing the performing arts in college. I also did not get to say goodbye to some of my close friends in high school. I felt a ton of sadness as I knew that most would never perform on stage again. My mental state only worsened in 2020, as I heard about and observed the murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and many other Black individuals on national news outlets. Considering that I began my college experience when the world shut down, I wanted to find a place that allowed me to feel safe when everything around me was chaotic. For me, that was choir. Choir was my therapy as I knew that I could control my emotions and feelings when I was bleak from the world. When my previous college choral director had an "over-the-top" reaction to my response, which led to my former UWEC choir members adding to my humiliation, I realized I had lost my "safe space" for choir. That incident was "the straw that broke the camel's back" for me. After that rehearsal, I told myself, "I will not return to the UWEC choral department for the rest of my college career." At the time, I did not announce my departure to my previous college choral director and my former UWEC choir members. Since they did not care about me when I was vulnerable, sharing my overall experience with being in a college choir, I felt that I did not owe anyone of them an explanation on why I decided not to continue with the UWEC choral department.
I received the emotional consequences of leaving the UWEC choral department. My first consequence was deciding to socially detach myself from everyone in the department. In the Spring 2022 semester, I participated in my first UWEC Cabaret Productions (a two-weekend scholarship event that is significantly student-led, where performers and actors perform various dance routines and a medley of songs in a dramatic stage storyline). During that time, I decided to isolate myself from everyone involved in Cabaret Productions to protect myself from having an emotional meltdown in a public setting. Knowing that many of the Cabaret cast and crew were in various UWEC chorus ensembles, I worried that most would see me as "problematic" because many have an excellent relationship with my previous college choral director. After finishing every performance, I returned to my dorm and stayed there until the next showing. Knowing that I had no emotional energy to make social connections during Cabaret, I decided to have artificial emotional stamina during my performances as it was not fair to the patrons who saw our shows if I was not going to give a remarkable performance.
PICTURE OF THE MIXED BLUE ENSEMBLE: HADES CAST OF THE 2022 CABARET PRODUCTIONS: OLYMPIA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-EAU CLAIRE (EAU CLAIRE, WI). Photo by David Evbayekha.
PICTURE OF DAVID EVBAYEKHA IN HIS MIXED BLUE ENSEMBLE: ARTEMIS AND APOLLO COSTUME FOR THE 2022 CABARET PRODUCTIONS: OLYMPIA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-EAU CLAIRE (EAU CLAIRE, WI). Photo by David Evbayekha.
After I finished Cabaret productions for the Spring 2021 semester, I decided to go to therapy. I decided to do therapy as I caught myself having multiple emotional outbursts in public settings. I was still trying to accept that I was not returning to the UWEC Choral Department. One of those terms I had to accept was that when I left the UWEC Choral Department, there was a fallout with one of my best friends I made through it. Luckily, I could repair my friendship with my best friend, and I stay connected with them to this day. Another term that I accepted in my life was that I had constant suicidal thoughts. To be clear, I had other factors in my life that developed these thoughts, however, leaving the UWEC Choral Department significantly contributed to my emotional wellbeing and suicidal thoughts. Several times, I questioned myself in various public spaces if people valued me enough if I was not alive for them to notice. Thankfully, I did not pursue any actions to die by suicide. However, I did need to get professional help. After several therapy sessions, my therapist officially diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder and depression. Furthermore, I am taking prescribed medications to help with my anxiety and depression.
HOW DOES MY MESSY RESEARCH ALIGN WITH MY CURRENT RESEARCH?
Anyone new to research must have a solid and stable emotional relationship with whomever they work with. These will be the people you will be around when doing your studies. You do not need to be best friends with your research members, however, you must understand that you need to be comfortable with them to communicate your ideas to improve your projects. That is the case with my McNair advisor, Dr. Jeffrey Goodman. Before I started my McNair journey, I wanted to work with someone that knew about studies focusing on psychology and music. When I first met Dr. Goodman, he provided many studies on psychology and music. Some of you already knew that information as you read my first post on this website. However, most of you would not know that Dr. Goodman also had a negative experience regarding his music professor in college. During our first meeting, Dr. Goodman told me that his former college music director did not allow him to express himself by playing the multiple instruments he loved. Considering I knew what it was like to be defeated and frustrated with a college music director, I could easily connect with Dr. Goodman. After he told me his story, I told Dr. Goodman about my experience with the UWEC Choral Department. You find your purpose when researching when you have unique connections like my one with Dr. Goodman. I get excited when I meet with Dr. Goodman as I get to work in a positive and highly professional environment. The connection I have with Dr. Goodman is one I could have had with my previous college choral director. As of March 26, 2023, I have not spoken with my last college choral director. In my next blog post, I will go in-depth on what happens next regarding them and my messy research.