CHAPTER 8-GRIEF [AND] CLOSURE (MY EMOTIONAL CURTAIN CALL TO MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER)
- davidevbayekha
- May 20, 2024
- 11 min read
Updated: Jan 24
PICTURE OF A GHOSTLIGHT ON A DARK STAGE. Photo by Shakespeare Theatre Company
PROLOGUE
SONG: Goo Goo Dolls – Iris
Hello! Welcome to my blog. My name is David Evbayekha (he/him/his). As I wrap up my final semester as an undergraduate student at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire (UWEC), I wrote this chapter in a theatrical format. For those who do not know, I spent most of my life being a performer. What makes the arts exciting is learning about the various stories you get to see and discover. You know more about the emotions regarding different people, venues, and objects. Some feelings can bring you joy and happiness. At the same time, you could also feel sadness and anger when tapping into your emotions. In short, you will start communicating in a way you have not done before.
I plan to do that for you for this ending of mine. Before diving into my curtain call, I will refer to myself in the third-person language. The arts are all about being creative. I want you to tap into your senses when I tell my story. Regardless of what you feel, taste, or see, please allow yourself to use your imagination when learning about my experience. The only time I will not speak in the third person is when I reveal any topics that could be triggering for some readers and the intermission periods. Do not worry! I will make it noticeably clear if there are any trigger warnings.
With that information, I present to you "Grief [AND] Closure (My Emotional Curtain Call to my undergraduate career).
ACT ONE: THE FALL 2023 SEMESTER (SADNESS & ANGER)
Going into the 2023-2024 school year, David did not have the fairytale start he imagined. He was dealing with significant health problems that he had in the summer. David was also hurt by leaving his extraordinary job while feeling betrayed by some individuals he had trusted for a considerable time in college. Unfortunately, those events were not the biggest heartbreak he would experience. David's heart was destroyed in the fall semester when he did not make any of the rosters for UWEC's 2024 Cabaret Productions. For anyone who needs to learn what cabaret is, it is a student-led showcase that combines show choir elements with musical theatre. Anyone around David could see his joy and excitement when it came to cabaret. That was the place he got to rediscover his love for the arts.
Additionally, cabaret was where David could repair old friendships while creating new ones after initially leaving the UWEC Music and Theatre department in 2021. Finally, cabaret was the place where he found himself again. With all this information, you could predict that he was elated when he discovered the 2024 show centers on movies.
When David was not working in school, he would spend his breaks working on vocal exercises, analyzing the vowels he needed for the auditions, and ensuring that his body was ready for the choreography at the auditions. Furthermore, anytime he had the opportunity, David would encourage people to try out cabaret on his behalf. David felt a sense of belonging that he did not have in his early college years. With this knowledge, you can imagine his pain after discovering he did not make his final cabaret at UWEC. David was trying hard to finish the day when he saw the results. As much as he wanted to stay in his room and not do anything besides cry until he could not cry anymore, he had to get through the busiest day of his academics. Unfortunately, David had to deal with that emotional turmoil for the rest of the fall semester. He often skipped several classes and lay in bed doing nothing productive. Additionally, he made uncharacteristic errors on assignments and projects that cost him his grades. In short, David did not have the magical start to his final undergraduate career.
INTERMISSION: DEBRIEF
Hello! I am back again. After reading that passage, you had to take a significant amount of heavy content. With that information, I want you to take the time to breathe. One thing I continue to work on when writing blogs is understanding the balance of talking about my personal life and incorporating that aspect with my McNair lifestyle. In the second act, you will see my McNair side as I share my incredible experiences regarding the various conferences and presentations I attended regarding my research.
Taking those details into account, enjoy the second act!
ACT TWO: SYMPOSIUMS, CONFERENCES, AND TRIPS (DENIAL)
One positive thing that David could take away from the fall 2023 semester is his McNair research. He focuses his academic investigation on how protest-based music videos affect Americans' knowledge, emotions, and attitudes regarding social justice movements. This specific area of David's is one where he knows he can be happy. He gets to read literature about the history of movements using music to help their causes. Additionally, he gets to work with his McNair advisor, Dr. Jeffrey Goodman, on creating the experimental layout for their inquiry. Working with Dr. Goodman is a highlight that David does not take for granted. In the 2023-2024 school year, David and Dr. Goodman showed their work to different researchers and professors at multiple conferences.
PICTURE OF DAVID EVBAYEKHA AND DR. JEFFREY GOODMAN at UWEC McNair Scholars' Research Symposium, Eau Claire, WI. UWEC McNair Scholars' photo.
PICTURE OF DAVID EVBAYEKHA at the 2024 National Conference on Undergraduate Research, Long Beach, CA. Photo via David Evbayekha.
PICTURE OF THE "BORN IN NATION" POSTER at the 2024 Celebration of Research and Creative Activity, Eau Claire, WI. Photo via David Evbayekha.
In December, David gave an oral presentation at the UWEC McNair Scholars' Research Symposium. He presented his work in front of his fellow McNair colleagues, advisors, and directors in a room full of guests. That conference allowed David to understand what it takes to be a presenter. After reflecting, David knew he needed to work on eye contact. Having eye contact will enable you to connect with your audience. However, it is worth noting that it takes time to develop that essential skill. That was something that David knew he could improve on, as he got to do a poster presentation at the 2024 National Conference on Undergraduate Research (NCUR) in Long Beach, California. When looking back, David can tell you that his poster presentation was the least stressful event for NCUR. Before the conference, he and Dr. Goodman still needed to prepare their poster as they were still waiting on data from their research. Not only did David have to wait on his poster, but he was still inexperienced regarding flying. On his way to and back from the airport, David struggled with going on the escalator. Fortunately, he realized that presenting at a conference would be easy.
A few weeks later, David displayed his work at the Celebration of Research and Creative Activity (CERCA) at UWEC. At this event, he interacted with multiple guests, professors, and students about the information on his poster. David knew he had a clear structure for talking to people about his work. Considering that NCUR was the first time he did a poster presentation, David was fearless when speaking at CERCA. David and Dr. Goodman also had some results ready to use at CERCA.
Several people were excited to hear David's work and asked him questions about the song choices, the experiment's format, and the study's plans. David could not believe he had the incredible experience of presenting at multiple conferences in his final year as an undergraduate student. Considering his negative experience after not getting into his final cabaret, David felt an unexpected sense of joy when talking about the importance of the arts. His younger self would have been in disbelief if people told him they cared about his passion for the fine arts. Furthermore, when David started developing his research at the end of his second year of college, he was curious to know if anyone had sufficient knowledge to do an academic study on psychology and music. Before meeting Dr. Goodman, David visited several psychology professors known for their research experience. Unfortunately, none of their studies researched the relationship between psychology and music. After meeting Dr. Goodman, David realized that his interest was achievable and that he could look at the fine arts from a distinct perspective, allowing him to rediscover his love for it.
INTERMISSION: ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Welcome back! Before we continue with the following plot, I want to acknowledge some of the people who helped me get through the challenging 2023-2024 school year. These are some of the people you will hear in the third act. I will not acknowledge everyone who helped me; some are my close friends, and I want to respect their privacy. On that note, here are the people who deserve recognition for their kindness:
I want to thank my McNair advisor, Dr. Jeffrey A. Goodman, for helping me with our research and being one of the few professors who saw me as human.
I want to thank Dr. Kelly A. Wonder and Dr. Joseph A. Orser for the constant support you have shown me in the McNair Scholars program at UWEC. Whenever I needed resources like extensions, recommendations, and school supplies, you always did your best to help me.
I want to thank the therapists at UWEC. When I was at my worst, mentally and emotionally, you took the time to understand my struggles while reminding me that it was okay to feel grief. I also want to thank the Enterprise Rent-A-Car team for helping me with transportation when I took UWEC and the University of Wisconsin-Stout (UW-Stout) classes in the same semester.
Finally, I want to thank my best friend, Aphrodite (that is not their real name, but I know that some viewers will know who Aphrodite is in real life). I could have a thesaurus to describe my happiness to have a best friend like Aphrodite. They are always the first people to lend their hand to me when I need support. Additionally, they are consistently among the few people I first tell when I have major news. Aphrodite, if you are reading this, thank you for being my ride-or-die; I love you to the moon and back!
With that delightful break, here is the third act!
ACT THREE: SPRING 2024 SEMESTER (BARGAIN)
David knew that the 2024 spring semester would be challenging for him. In the fall semester, David failed his Organic Chemistry II class. He needed to pass the course to get his undergraduate degree in neuroscience. That setback put David in a troubling spot as he planned to take eighteen credits to finish his academic requirements. With this new obstacle, David had to weigh his options. One choice David considered was to delay his graduation date by at least a semester. The problem with this preference is that David could not attend master's school in the fall of 2024. Another alternative David looked at is to take Organic Chemistry II as a non-degree student at a different university. The issue with this choice is that David would need to find a way to commute to and from two universities. He took Organic Chemistry II as a non-degree student at a different university. What led to his decision is that David had taken a course at another college to fulfill one of his requirements at UWEC.
After David made his choice, he talked to his advisor about what he needed to do to make this decision a reality. They both agreed that David should take Organic Chemistry II at UW-Stout regarding the distance. Following that conversation, David applied to be a non-degree-seeking student at UW-Stout. Once the administration accepted his application, the Organic Chemistry II professor permitted David to take the class. As exciting as this was for him, David realized that some of the sessions at UW-Stout would conflict with his courses at UWEC. After he recognized this problem, David talked to his UWEC professors to see if they could work with him regarding making up any course materials. In short, the only professors who wanted to accommodate David were his McNair Scholars directors. His educators communicated with him on the schedules and assignments he needed to be aware of while at UW-Stout. David was relieved that his directors supported him with this complicated process, as they could see his effort to graduate on time.
EPILOGUE: HEALING & THE NEXT CHAPTER (ACCEPTANCE)
We are now at the end of our story. I will use first- and third-person language to describe myself in this section. As I previously stated, creating blogs that perfectly balance my personal life with my research persona is difficult. My audience for these posts will range from general college students to established faculty members in the academic world. Sometimes, not everyone will see my content. Regardless, the important thing for me is to be authentic. I am allowing myself to finish my chapter as an undergraduate student by acknowledging the highs and the lows.
Let us start with UWEC's 2024 Cabaret Productions. Several people did not know if David would see any of the shows. Honestly, even I (the narrator of this story) did not know if he was well enough to see any of the performances. Conclusively, David went to the shows. Not only did he see one performance, but David went on to see all eight productions.
Furthermore, Mr. David Evbayekha was the head usher for UWEC's 2024 Cabaret Productions. There were two significant reasons David went to see the performances. The first factor is that two of his friends in UWEC's 2024 Cabaret Productions knew he was hurting when he was not around his cabaret family. Knowing this information, they wanted to reach out to make sure he was doing okay while inviting him to see the performances.
Finally, David became the head usher for UWEC's 2024 Cabaret Productions because he wanted to heal. At this moment, I want to use first-person language. When I left the UWEC Music and Theatre Department in 2021, I decided not to see or participate in the rest of the shows after finishing the 2022 run of Cabaret Productions. In short, I isolated myself from everyone in the department to protect my well-being. Unfortunately, I gave myself more pain than support when I distanced myself from everyone. With this information, I did not want to provide myself with more misery in my last year at college. Looking back, I am grateful for accepting my friends' offer to be the head usher. During the show, one of the mixed ensembles sang the song "Older by Ben Platt" for one of their sets. In that tune, a line says, "Don't let your wonder turn into closure." When I heard that line, I started thinking about one of the vocal arrangers for Cabaret Productions. This person was the only one from the selection committee who wanted me to be in their ensembles. Additionally, this person was the only one who told me why they and the other committee members did not select me for any of the ensembles for my final cabaret. After they told me this information, they apologized for not talking to me sooner about this emotional decision.
I share all these details to show you why I value healing. Had I not decided not to accept my friend's invitation, I would not have rekindled my friendship with the vocal arranger. Furthermore, I would not have made several new connections from the 2024 run of Cabaret Productions if I said no to being the head usher. Yes, I have lost friends during my time at UWEC. Not only did I lose friends, but I also lost a job that helped me be a better human being. However, I did gain a rediscovery of the David I want to be. The David you see in front of you will not put up with dishonesty. As much of a mess as he is to himself, David has learned the importance of not wasting energy on people who do not want to see his potential. David hopes to bring those lessons to life this fall when he begins graduate school at Eastern Illinois University (EIU). At EIU, David plans to get his master's degree in clinical mental health counseling.
Original Date: May 20, 2024
Updated Date: January 23, 2025
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